6 People Who Took Selfies at Bafflingly Insane Moments
The selfie -- a picture taken of oneself staring directly into the camera, utterly oblivious to the world around you -- perfectly encapsulates our social-media-drunk society. Unsurprisingly, a trend based entirely on varying degrees of narcissism is occasionally taken way too far, with the results ranging from personally disastrous to just plain old sad.
#6. Teenage Girls Take Selfie While Handcuffed in Police Van
Two Australian teenage girls were cuffed and placed in the back of a police van after getting caught with a stolen car. The dastardly duo quickly pulled out a phone and commemorated the moment with an obligatory selfie, because they evidently have yet to encounter the phrases "permanent public record" and "job interview."
The girls posted the photo on Facebook with the captions "Hahahaha In The Back Of The Police Van. Beat You" and "Getting Chased On Foot," at which point we assume police drove to their respective houses and tased them both, because there is no statute of limitations on duckface.
#5. Woman Sits for Portrait in Front of a Towering Inferno
Over the summer, a building in the jam-packed city of Manila in the Philippines burst into flames, sending waves of lung-blackening smoke into the sky while firefighters desperately fought to control the blaze. While citizens in the vicinity scrambled about for safety, one woman thought it was the perfect time to pose for a picture. We've all been there before -- how often does shit get totally consumed by fire and we just can't seem to find a camera to save our lives?
#4. Student Poses in Front of Pregnant Teacher Having Contractions
A pregnant Florida high school teacher suddenly began having contractions in the middle of her class. One of her students bravely sprang into action, posing in front of her to take a picture with his cellphone.
She was rushed to the hospital and did not actually wind up going into labor, although when she does, we assume the student will pop cartoonishly out of some nearby bush or trash can to grab another selfie.
#3. Man Gets Hit by Car, Then Videos Himself While Lying in the Ambulance
One noble Vine contributor heroically tried to make a video of himself jumping over a speeding car, which is another way of saying he videotaped himself getting hit by a car. As he rode to the hospital, he made the EMTs stand by so he could finish his Vine, bringing this six-second cautionary tale full circle.
#2. Criminals Can't Stop Incriminating Themselves With Selfies
In the small town of Halmstad, Sweden, two teenage girls robbed a local restaurant with a pair of kitchen knives. Luckily, they posed for a quick selfie in their bandit gear before the heist, which was of immense help to investigators when they looked at the girls' phones after police dogs traced the robbers back to their apartment.
gawker.comA good rule of thumb for crime is "try to avoid creating incriminating evidence for absolutely no reason."
In another case, CCTV footage captured a robber wearing a gray hoodie and blue elephant pajama pants. Police found a photo of one of the suspects wearing the exact same outfit in a set of selfies on his cellphone, because apparently those are the only pair of pants he owns.
Most recently, a mugger in San Antonio stole a man's wallet and iPhone after tricking the man into thinking he was going to sell him a new one. When the victim bought a new iPhone and downloaded all his old photos from Apple's cloud service, he discovered a series of selfies that the mugger had taken with the stolen phone, which police were able to use to arrest the shit out of him. Evidently his "robbin' gear" was a difficult outfit to pull together and he wanted some photos to reference for future lawbreaking escapades.
#1. Teens Desperately Take Vine Selfie as They Get Tackled by Security
During the final game of the College World Series, three young women dared Twitter to raise $1,500 to pay for a fine that had yet to be earned, because when the money was raised, the trio jumped over the barriers and created a Vine of themselves as they sprinted across the field like maniacs.
Security tackled them and they were escorted to jail, but the girls clung mightily to their selfie commitment, producing the single greatest defining image of the current generation:
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4 Ways 'Grand Theft Auto V' Turned My Son Into a Monster
Since their inception, I've been an advocate of parental responsibility with video games, because even though I don't believe that video games make people more violent, I do think that it's important to know what information is entering your child's stupid, fragile skull. But recently, thanks to the release of Grand Theft Auto V, my stance on video game violence has been shaken to its very core. Despite my beliefs, I can't deny what I've witnessed with my own eyes. It has changed my son in some pretty shocking ways. For instance ...
#4. He Became a Rage-Fueled Monster
Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Even though my son is 11, I let him play certain M-rated games because he handles the content very well and has never shown any signs of it affecting him in negative ways. Until now.
He was on an early mission that required him to drive alongside a semi and catch someone as they jumped into his car. I was in the other room, researching something testicle-related for Cracked, but I knew he was failing because I could hear the same character conversation over and over again as he repeated the attempts. On the fourth try, he couldn't take it anymore, and he said under his breath, "This is stupid."
Pictured: stupid.
I shot out of my seat, concerned at the monotone quietness his rage had produced, and bolted into our family room.
"Hey, hey, hey! There's no need for that. You need to calm down," I said in a panic. "It's just a game. There's no need for you to explode like that."
He glanced up at me, the rage flooding his eyes with indifference, and said, "Oh, no, it's not a big deal. These cars are just kind of hard to get used to when you first-"
I threw up my hands in defense and tried to wrangle his hatred. "Whoa there, cowboy! There's no need to take your frustrations out on me. Everyone in this house loves you very much. We just want to see you happy. Do you need some time to take a break and cool off?"
Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty ImagesThat level of unsustainable rage can break a man.
He sighed and hit the "Retry" button, saying, "No, I think I can contain myself, Dad. I'll try not to fly off the handle like that again."
Always leery of Satan's trickery, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and cautiously backed out of the room, warning, "I'm watching you, devil host. You control your demons, or I will control them for you." I'd like to say that our problems ended there, but unfortunately, they were just getting started ...
#3. It Turned Him into a Thief
Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
Everyone knows that three of the eight commandments are "Thou shall not thy steal thou." That's Hebrew for "Don't steal shit." Think about that. More than half of the commandments are devoted to this rule, which means that it must be pretty important. This is why, when I heard my son doing a holdup mission on the game, I developed a plan to test his resolve.
Scanning the family room, I saw that he had a half-empty glass of iced tea. Or was it half full? I pondered this question for about 45 minutes before I decided that it was neither and picked up his cup. Taking it to the kitchen, I put my plan into effect, filling the rest of the glass with tea and then placing it back where I found it. Now we'd see what he was truly made of. The top half was clearly my tea because I poured it. The bottom half was his. If he was an honest man, he'd poke a hole in the bottom and drink only his own.
Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images"Here's a bunch of lemons with it, too, because I know you're a pretentious asshole."
As if it presented no moral conflict at all, he picked it up and thanked me, his tone that of hate-stained mockery disguised under a deceiving veil of casualness. Then he took a long drink, as if to say, "This is my world, old man, and I take what I want!"
"I KNEW it," I screamed, slapping the glass from his hand. Thousands of tea droplets sprayed the walls and the TV screen as my son jerked in surprise.
"What was that for?" he yelled, wiping tea from his face with his now soaked shirt.
"You know damn well what that was for. That game is deviling your mind with urges of thievery, and I won't stand for it. Now you get in that shower and wash the devil away!"
Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images"DEVIL, BEGONE!"
He shook his head and stood up. "I have to take a shower anyway because you drenched my hair with tea. And you can't just refill someone's glass and then claim that he stole it. What is wrong with you?"
He stomped off toward the bathroom, and I followed. "What's wrong with me is that I will not have a son who is infected with the heartworms of sin! 'Thou shalt not thy steal thou tea of purity!' Read the Bible, sinner!" I blessed the shower to turn it into holy water, made a mental note to market a Christian tea called "Puritea," and then left him to his devil washing.
But Grand Theft Auto V must produce an exceptionally powerful demon, because within the hour ...
#2. It Turned Him into a Racist
Photos.com
"So which one is you?" I asked, motioning to the three men on screen.
"Well, the game lets you play all three of them, but right now, I'm the ..." He paused for a second, suddenly measuring his words.
"... the middle guy."
"Don't patronize me," I warned. "You know I don't know directions."
He took a slight breath and reluctantly said, "The black guy."
I sat in shock for several seconds before exclaiming, "You racist. Piece. Of. Shit."
"Dad, I'm not rac-"
"I taught you better than that," I yelled. "In this house, we do not use racist terms like 'black' or 'African-American.' What have I told you a thousand times?"
"I'm not referring to black people as 'not white.' That's every bit as racist and degrading as using a full-on slur."
Photos.com
"What, you have a thing against white people?" I asked, in horror of his racial defiance. "You're too good to play a white man now? Are you racist against white people?"
"No, Dad, I'm not racist against white people. The game just makes you switch between cha-"
"Don't cloud my judgment with your fancy words, devil! That's it. This Monday, I'm taking you downtown so you can learn a little bit about your own culture and learn to have some pride in your race."
He stared off into the distance, as if trying to figure out what place I was talking about. Then suddenly, "Oh, hell no. Dad, the place you're talking about is a white pride organization and it is literally the most racist place you could possibly take me."
"Silence! You will go, and that is final. Before the end of the week, you will cease to be racist against white people, instead shouting to the heavens a message of the pride and power of the white race!"
I stormed out of the room to make the appointment. From behind me, I could hear him mumbling something about calling the police if I made him go. Whatever. He's lucky I hadn't called the police on him. Especially after I discovered that ...
#1. It Made Him Thirst for Death
Siri Stafford/Digital Vision/Getty Images
After he finished his anti-racist shower, things calmed down considerably. I watched from the couch as he drove around the city, slowly, obeying every traffic light and occasionally stealing a glance my way to make sure I approved. Aside from occasionally crossing the center line, which I corrected via threat of grounding, he did quite well. Maybe this wasn't such a bad game after all.
After a perfect three-point park, he exited the vehicle and walked down the sidewalk toward a clothing store. Then, as if his rage had broken a thousand-year struggle against its mental leash, his character slammed into a pedestrian, nearly knocking her down.
"Hey, that's extremely rude. Devil rude. Get back there and apologize to that woman," I demanded.
He turned to respond, but was suddenly interrupted by a jolt of surprise. "GAH, SPIDER!"
Photos.com
I followed his pointing finger to a large black spot on the floor, not more than 3 feet from me. It was what we in Illinois call a wolf spider, so named because they are reborn from the ashes of fallen wolves. I've heard that they can grow to be the size of a man's head, but this one must have been a baby because it was only half the size of my palm -- for reference, my palm is exactly twice the size of a baby wolf spider.
As soon as he exclaimed the word "spider," I jumped into immediate action, leaping up onto a nearby chair to make myself appear larger and more frightening to the spider. In a brave effort to scare it away, thus mercifully sparing its life, I let out a high-pitched scream and released an abundance of saline from my eyes, known by wise men to be a natural spider repellent.
Despite my heroic attempts, it stayed in place, taunting us with its steadfast grip on our floor. That's when my son showed his true colors. With a gaze as cold as arctic night, he lifted his foot. And without the slightest hint of emotion, he brought it down. Just like that, he was a killer. A victim of Grand Theft Auto V, forever damned to a life of unforgivable sin.
Photos.comIn spider legend, it is known as the Eater of Worlds.
Slowly and cautiously, I backed out of the room. As my son watched me, his eyes showed confusion, but his heart showed the home of the devil.
I've since burned down my house to cleanse our tainted possessions, and my wife brought me to a magic doctor who gave me anti-devil pills to keep the dark infection away. So far, they have worked perfectly. But I can tell you one thing -- we will never trust a Grand Theft Auto game again. My son deserves a normal life, and that game is designed to destroy. Fair warning.
4 Brazenly Stupid Criminals Who Just Didn't Give a Crap
Some criminals spend considerable time and effort concocting new ways to keep the police off their back, such as only using disposable phones or emulating the flinty good looks of Idris Elba. (Sorry, some of us here just discovered The Wire.) But then there are crooks on the other end of the spectrum who go about their business somewhat less surreptitiously and -- to put the behavior in layman's terms -- just don't give a flying shit.
#4. Florida Man Fills Out Job Application at Gas Station, Promptly Robs It
Last July, imminent Florida representative Anthony Thomas went out to his local Citgo gas station to apply for a job. After filling out the application form, giving the place his real full name and address, Thomas felt so satisfied for being a productive member of society that he helped himself to a little reward -- namely, $130 from the cash register, which he swiped right in front of a plainly visible security camera.
The cops used the same job application to locate Thomas shortly afterward (presumably under "job experience" he listed the numbers of the other stations he's robbed). He resisted arrest, disputed the video footage, and hasn't heard back about the job yet (but is still crossing his fingers).
#3. Drug Dealer Asks Cops to Track Down His Stolen Weed
Nineteen-year-old Morgan Tapp of Murfreesboro, Tennessee, was the victim of a home invasion in which his safe full of pot and drug money was stolen. Outraged about what this world has come to, Tapp went to the police to report the theft and ask for their help in recovering his valuables. The young man then explained to an officer that he was upset because "he sold marijuana" for a living.
Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images"If you find it, the combo is '4-2-0.' Like pot. Which I sell."
The cops then found Tapp's safe and invited him to come retrieve it, at which point they asked if he could open it to alleviate some concerns of their K9 officer. Tapp did, and everyone was shocked, just shocked to find 8 ounces of weed and about 900 ill-gotten dollars inside, so Tapp was arrested. The worst part? He can't even say he did these things because he was high, since he had no pot at the time.
#2. Man Is Released by Police, Steals Ambulance in Front of Them
Between this next stunt and that guy who tried to hide from the cops for seven hours in the ocean, it's clear that most lawbreakers regard Grand Theft Auto as nonfiction. Last week in Tempe, Arizona, Cesar Garcia was treating himself to a morning beer at the local grocery store when he was arrested by the police, because that shit is illegal. The man was brought to the station, where they quickly let him go with a citation. Garcia went "OK, guys, see you later!" and nonchalantly stole the ambulance that was sitting right outside the station.
KPHO-TV"If having to get replacement beer isn't a medical emergency, then what is?"
The cops cracked the case of the ambulance-stealing jerkoff so fast that they actually beat Garcia to his own home and arrested him (again). So why did he do it? Was he planning some type of daring hospital heist? Was he at least looking for the drugs inside? Nope: He just didn't fucking feel like walking.
Maricopa County Sheriff's OfficeClearly someone too majestic to walk like the "common man."
#1. Man Steals Church Computer, Calls Tech Support to Remove the Porn Block
When a computer was stolen from the Owassa First Assembly of God church in Oklahoma, two pressing questions arose: 1) What is Father Matthew going to tell his WoW guild? and 2) Who would be heartless enough to do this? Unfortunately, it looked like the church would never get an answer to the second question, since the police had no leads. That is, until the thief gave himself away (or, more specifically, his boner did).
Owasso Police DepartmentWow, the "Most Likely to ..." superlative in his yearbook got it exactly on the money.
See, the computer had software installed called Covenant Eyes, which tracks sinful activity on the Net. Two weeks after acquiring his new and completely boobs-free computer, a desperate Troy Ridling called tech support asking to remove the porn block, and the police were alerted and put him in jail. Remember, the Lord works in mysterious ways, but namely through your junk.
4 People Who Tried To Eat At McDonald's and Went Insane
You don't go to McDonald's looking for perfection. You go there for a burger that costs less and tastes worse than the cumulative change in your car. By the time you're pulling into the McDonald's drive-thru, you've already lost the battle with your dignity and taste buds.
Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images
It's the food version of a "massage parlor": you pay, avoid eye contact
with the employees, and hate yourself when you're done.
In addition to cheapness, people go to McDonald's looking for maniac consistency. To the franchise's credit, your McFartwich may have the flavor of dusty nickels slathered in radish ketchup and raccoon cheese, but at least your McEdibles will taste basically the same at any one of the 9 zillion McDonald's dotting the Earth like planet acne.
And -- as these recent news stories demonstrate -- when McDonald's fails to deliver on its most baseline promise of food made of carbon, shit happens. How so?
#4. Woman Rides Horse into Restaurant After Being Denied Drive-Thru Service, It Shits
A woman from the U.K. wanted nothing more than to ride her faithful steed through the McDonald's drive-thru and enjoy her value meal while riding atop her hoofed friend, just like King Arthur did centuries prior. And when she was denied service, she wasn't going to take it sitting down. Or she was, but while sitting down on her horse.
John Foxx/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Why the long face?"
"I wanted Taco Bell."
So the horse lover decided to ride her horse into the actual restaurant to demand to be served. The horse was apparently just as pissed off as its owner, as it proceeded to fire its bowels all over the place. This outraged workers and customers alike, as they realized the horse poo on the floor looked and smelled better than what they were currently eating.
Officers were called to the scene, and the woman was fined with a fixed penalty notice. McDonald's issued a statement explaining that they don't serve drive-thru to pedestrians or customers on bicycles and horseback. But especially horseback.
#3. Police Sergeant Pulls Gun on Man (Whose Order Was Taking Too Long)
Have you ever been behind someone in line for the drive-thru and he is just taking so goddamn long to receive his food? As we wait in despair to move up in line, we can only wonder to ourselves if he ordered every last thing on the menu.
This scenario happened one too many times for Scott Biumi, a police sergeant in Atlanta, Georgia. Realizing that law and order don't apply to the McDonald's drive-thru line, Biumi marched up to the motorist waiting at the window and yelled, "Stop holding up the drive-thru line!" Then he pulled out his pistol and aimed it at the neck of the driver, who just so happened to be a high school kid.
WXIA-TV
He came for a Number 4, but made a Number 2.
It was probably at that point that Biumi realized he'd made a huge mistake, so he got into his car and drove away without his Big Mac. But as you probably know by now, Ronald McDonald's terrifying eyes see everything, and the McDonald's video footage and kid behind the wheel helped catch the guy whose love of mass-produced beef circles outstripped his fondness for human life.
#2. Drunk Lady Blocks Drive-Thru, Demands Free Food, Gets Arrested
Have you ever seen a kid throw a temper tantrum at the grocery store to get some cookies? Picture that, but with a drunk grown-up, and in the McDonald's drive-thru, and in the middle of the morning. Kimberly Womack had one too many crappy meals at McDonald's, so instead of simply finding somewhere else to eat, she got drunk one morning and sat in the drive-thru lane, demanding that they give her two free Big Macs because of her past bad experiences.
An employee told Womack they weren't serving Big Macs since it was still breakfast, so she switched tactics and demanded two Egg McMuffins in their place, determined not to let a little thing like the hour of the day stand in the way of justice.
Pasco County Sheriff's Office
"And Shamrock Shakes! Fuck this 'March only' bullshit."
After repeatedly denying Womack a free meal but unable to get her to leave, employees called the police. Besides the scent of desperation emanating from her, officers also noticed that she reeked of alcohol. When they found she had a blood alcohol level of .108, instead of free food they gave her a day's stay in a cell after charging her with a DUI.
#1. Man Calls 911 Because McDonald's Got His Order Wrong, Gets Arrested
We've all done it. You place your very meticulously crafted drive-thru order, grab your food, and peel off so that you can eat your three McRibs under a secluded overpass (judged only by feral cats and God). And by the time you hit the nearest stoplight, you realize that this bag is full of someone else's shitty food and you cry.
McDonald's
And wonder what kind of weirdo actually orders the Filet-O-Fish.
Not Lorenzo Riggins of Albany, Georgia. He placed an order of seven McDoubles, a McChicken, and, of course, fries. After he had already left McDonald's and gotten into his car, he looked into the paper bag and was horrified to realize that he was one McDouble short. He went back inside, and (according to him) the employee wasn't being helpful and copped an attitude with him. Feeling like he needed some backup on his side to solve this catastrophic emergency, he dialed 911.
McDonald's
For future reference, "Hamburglary" is not an actual crime.
Police did show up, but it wasn't to rectify the McDouble situation. They instead arrested Riggins for misusing 911. Hopefully next time he will not make the same mistake and check his bag before leaving. Oh, and call Officer Big Mac instead.
Hillery Alley
twitter.com/gonedownHILL via New York Daily News
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